the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
