i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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