Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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