WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
how drunk are you?
Several
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
