Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
