Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
