This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
