When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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