just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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