If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
