shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
