i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
