I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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