My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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