You work out of a Hotel?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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