first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
