vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
