'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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