its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
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Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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