I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
