I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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