Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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