i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
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Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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