Cold hands, warm shart.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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