tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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