i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
