I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
