My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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