shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
