When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
