??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
