I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
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Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is this like a preordered booty call?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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