Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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