also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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