She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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