I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
