I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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