I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
