Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You ate ashes out of my bong
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