How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
