today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
