Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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