Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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