I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
