she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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