i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
