the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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