I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
