me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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