Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
