Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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