It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
