Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
