Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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