The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There's always time for handjobs
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
