Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
