I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
