$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
